Thrown from the Horse on the Yellow Brick Road

Aside from a mixture of metaphors, the title of this post refers to the circumstances which elicited my withdrawl from CP Scene play and my move, like any good competitor past their peak, into commentary and management.

The acceleration from a first ever otk hand spanking to judicial level CP in little over 6 months and on to dark, protracted scenes and public JCP left me with very few further options. I had sprayed blood up my back and onto the ceiling, broken implements, trembled and gasped my way through shock and won scars on my ass and thighs that will never recede. Quite simply, there was no challenge left in it!

I had also experienced the worst of the scene. A hard limit that was ignored and a psychological impact that left me despising the whole game. I never recovered from that and have played only 3 times since.

So, I decided that my future lay *beyond the yellow brick road* as Sir Elton so eloquently put it. This fantasy journey that I had careered through at full tilt had become detrimental. The trust was gone, and without trust you simply cannot engage in CP play.

This past week, for the first time in months, I have felt the slightest urge to unretire. I know it will not, and can not, be as it was. Once the trust goes, there will always be that little shadow of doubt seared into the psyche. Like a biker after their first serious spill, future rides will always be tempered by that sub-conscious caution and those highest of risks that are no longer taken. Still, I will get back on that horse, if only to try a gentle canter before dismounting again to safety.

Perhaps the passage of time does soften our standpoint, perhaps I have exorcised the ghosts of that horrific experience and unfucked the memories and feelings in my own mind, or perhaps I still have unfinished business and exploring left on the million laneways that run from the Yellow Brick Road......