A New Nemesis

Although I have enjoyed a great number of CP and associated scenes in the past 2 years, with varying degrees of extremity, it has generally involved only 2 dommes. The future Mrs Slayer, Leia Ann Woods, and my beloved Mistress Switch have formed the basis for most of what I have done and this will continue to be the case for as long as we all enjoy it. They have opened doors in my mind to parts of my psyche I thought could never be accessed.

Until a few months ago, I had no inclination to play with anyone else. That changed as I became closer to a friend of Mrs Slayer's who I have since developed a great relationship with. Whilst we immediately clicked on a personal level, and I warmed to her as soon as we met ( somewhat of a rarity for me ) , it was only later that it became apparent that we could interact spectacularly in a scene.

The lady is acutely perceptive and has already observed the weakness in Slayer's character; be nice to him and he can't cope. As such, the mind games have begun and she has already demonstrated adept skill at picking the buttons to push. This is due to come to blows shortly into the new year when this legend of the CP scene and I are due to be together. With the added ingredient of Mrs Slayer potentially being present for the clash, this is likely to push me psychologically in a whole new way.....

To Film or Not to Film?

Slayer on the Screen! It is something I have contemplated, but never acted upon. I had the opportunity to do so at Shadow Lane in Vegas this year, alongside Leia Ann Woods, for the legendary Clare Fonda. I declined because, at that time, I was inactive in the scene. The opportunity has arisen again, with a different company, and I am considering whether it is for me.

I guess the main driver is that it would be fun, and a memento that I would always have to remind me of how I reaped so much reward by taking a chance and booking that first ever session only 2 years ago. Perhaps I should call it a *further memento* as a future wife is clearly the ultimate reward for a chance email.

Also, as a male bottom character Slayer would be as unique in CP film as he is in session. It may be an entirely new spin on the F/m interaction. At the very least, it would be entertaining for the viewer!

My only concern is control! Once done, it can't be undone. I will be committed to film, and that film will belong to someone else. That permanence strikes me as a unique concept in my life. Memories fade. Revisionism warps events. Film, however, is undeniable as a record.

Moreover, I can't help but wonder if it is better to hold something back. I am a private person. I have a very small circle of close associates and, beyond them, I avoid all but the most superficial and necessary interactions in my personal life.

I could argue that the exposure is Slayer's, not mine, and that Slayer has always been a caraciture to present in the scene with me at the controls. However, there is still that absence of deniability if I decided to walk away from all of this. As it stands, I can do so leaving virtually no trace of my scene life and write it off as something I was once interested in. If filmed, that ability is negated.

In a convoluted way, I suppose I am of the opinon that film is the ultimate committment to the CP Scene. I'm just not sure that it is a committment I need to make......

Bottom vs Sub

One of aspects of the CP world I was taught when I became involved in the scene was the specific jargon that prevails. It became apparent that my use of the term *sub* was inaccurate, and that I was a *bottom* more accurately. The difference? Once defers, one defies. I, most definitely, am the latter. Or am I?

The concept, for example, of my submitting BDSM-style to a PVC clad Dominatrix, addressing her as *Mistress*, kissing various parts of her anatomy upon instruction or letting her poke me with a sharp stick whilst confined in a cage is entirely alien to me. Equally, the notion of treating a lady as such or behaving in an especially misogynist manner as a male *top* ( as I have witnessed some do in the vicinity of friends of mine ) is not one that sits well with me.

My role has always been deeply rooted in resistance, defiance and the deliberate attraction of CP to prove that I will prevail. I don't conform, I don't quit, I don't tap and I sure as hell don't revert to submissive behaviour to win favour. And yet at times I wish I could. That I could accept my punishment, acknowledge my wrongdoing, defer to the will and judgement of Dr Woods or Ms Switch and allow them to dominate me.

In my last post I referred to Slayer's need for his teachers to salvage something in him. Does he want them to beat him ( literally and figuratively )? He needs to be taken right to the limit, and maybe beyond, so that he can let go. So that, momentarily, he is completely vulnerable and at the mercy of the two figures who care enough to try to save him and who he loves and trusts enough for it to be meaningful. Is this the behaviour of someone who is only a *bottom*, without submissive tendencies???

I suspect that there will be more to come in this respect in future scenes. Whether or not I can truly cross that threshold of submission remains to be seen. One thing, however, is for damn sure. If I can, it will be the most intense sensation to date and the domme(s) and I will have torn the house down, and me apart, to get there......