Bottom vs Sub

One of aspects of the CP world I was taught when I became involved in the scene was the specific jargon that prevails. It became apparent that my use of the term *sub* was inaccurate, and that I was a *bottom* more accurately. The difference? Once defers, one defies. I, most definitely, am the latter. Or am I?

The concept, for example, of my submitting BDSM-style to a PVC clad Dominatrix, addressing her as *Mistress*, kissing various parts of her anatomy upon instruction or letting her poke me with a sharp stick whilst confined in a cage is entirely alien to me. Equally, the notion of treating a lady as such or behaving in an especially misogynist manner as a male *top* ( as I have witnessed some do in the vicinity of friends of mine ) is not one that sits well with me.

My role has always been deeply rooted in resistance, defiance and the deliberate attraction of CP to prove that I will prevail. I don't conform, I don't quit, I don't tap and I sure as hell don't revert to submissive behaviour to win favour. And yet at times I wish I could. That I could accept my punishment, acknowledge my wrongdoing, defer to the will and judgement of Dr Woods or Ms Switch and allow them to dominate me.

In my last post I referred to Slayer's need for his teachers to salvage something in him. Does he want them to beat him ( literally and figuratively )? He needs to be taken right to the limit, and maybe beyond, so that he can let go. So that, momentarily, he is completely vulnerable and at the mercy of the two figures who care enough to try to save him and who he loves and trusts enough for it to be meaningful. Is this the behaviour of someone who is only a *bottom*, without submissive tendencies???

I suspect that there will be more to come in this respect in future scenes. Whether or not I can truly cross that threshold of submission remains to be seen. One thing, however, is for damn sure. If I can, it will be the most intense sensation to date and the domme(s) and I will have torn the house down, and me apart, to get there......